Sleep in Heavenly Peace......

"I have almost given up hope." I simply stated on the phone a few weeks ago.
I was speaking with my mom.
I was referring to sleep at night.
It is a very big deal.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, 

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

For the past three years, we have combatted sleep issues around here. Very, very little in my parenting journey has been as challenging as this. Most nights, our Sweet K, now just over three years old, could be up anywhere from 1 time (that is extremely rare), to 2 times (what I consider a VERY good night), but most commonly between 5-10 times. Sometimes she'd be up for an hour, sometimes three. Not really crying a lot, but complaining.

Enough to keep me awake.
And enough to keep me constantly seeking solutions.

I've learned, since beginning this adventure, that children with learning issues often have sleep difficulties. Their bitty bodies and brains process information and stimulation differently and this naturally affects their sleeping habits. Of course, not every child with a sleep issue has learning disabilities, and conversely not every child who learns differently has a sleep issue. But the correlation between the two is very, very common.

A few things I am learning along the way....
 - Heavy blankets matter. The extra weight of a wool blanket vs. a synthetic fiber makes a big difference. Keeps a restless one more settled.
 - Jammies are a big deal. No cute little pjs for this girlie. It's head-to-toe, polar fleece sleepers. Anything much lighter and we are awake A LOT!!!
 - Milk at night is a no no. First, it is bad for their teeth. Second, a slurp of creamy milk is far more tempting then a splash of water. If thirst is an issue, then fine. We'll grab a drink. But I'll make it as unappealing as possible ;).
 - Crying it out works --- sometimes. This is not a one-size-fits-all solution. I have let Sweet K cry it out, but unless I work like a detective to figure out the root cause of the awakenings, it's really all for not.
 - Routine is a must. Well, that is one of my personal mantras anyway ;) --- we help maintain sanity around here by keeping our days pretty predictable. Nap times (or rest times) are essential, but cannot be allowed to interfere with night sleep.
 - Watch what they eat at supper. In the past few months, Sweet K has become a very difficult eater. Well, she eats GREAT if it's things she likes, but if not, it becomes a battle of the wills!!! I quickly realized that a skimpy supper affects much more than my blood pressure at the dinner table (which tends to skyrocket with frustration ;P)!!! If I know that we are in for a fight on our hands during supper, then K gets something a little more substantial at snack (keeping in mind this is not a reward for not eating well, but something that I know will tide her through the night better than goldfish crackers!!!).

All this helps. A little. And it goes in cycles. Our Tiny L has become a fussy baby during the night in the past few weeks and I know that this impacts Sweet K's light slumber as well.

We are also venturing into the world (very very slowly and with extreme caution) of supplements. I have recently started Sweet K on a very very very small dose of Melatonin, which if taken for the short term, should have very little side effects (I have not noticed any),  and it can help regulate the body's natural melatonin production. From the reading that I've done, there seems to be quite a high success rate among children who have development delays, autism and ADD/ADHD. If this doesn't work, there are several other options to explore.

However, here again is where I stop and marvel at the grace of God. Spoken or unspoken, my daily prayer is that He would enable me to live well, love well in spite of the fatigue. Some days are quite rough, but I have again discovered that


"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

I wrestle with the limitations of exhaustion all the time (there is so much I want to do, but have no energy to do it!!) and that is frustrating. I also forget a lot of stuff. So, if I have met you on the street, and forgotten your name, I am truly sorry!!! I am working on this, I promise!! I don't feel like my "best self" most of the time, and sometimes I am sad about that.

And yet, in spite of this, I am amazed by how God weaves into this the beautiful sweetness of life. Every day it is a blessing for which I am grateful. I don't like it when people tell me that "this time goes so fast" because I know that it does and am already so hard trying to savor every moment. And in spite of the fog, His grace allows me to absorb, embrace, love and keep on keeping on.

What a gift!!

My words to my mom that morning were desperate, maybe even a shade hormonal ;), but untrue.
I have not given up hope.
The God who stands with us in the midst of this is inviting me to persevere under the protection of His grace.

I wrote a quote down the other day; one I picked up from a novel I was reading:
"You know what? I used to think the creator tested me to discover how strong I was. Lately, though, I've begun to realize that he has an entirely different purpose in mind. The author of my life already knows everything about me, so he already knows how strong I am. The tests come to me - and to you - so we will know how strong HE IS when he carries us through what we cannot handle alone." The Novelist, Angela Hunt.


You may not be "Sleepless in Smallville Manitoba" :) - but you may find your hope challenged too, from time to time. I'd love to hear what you are learning as He is carrying you through.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, 

but a longing fulfilled 

[and a good night's rest!!!!]

is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

Sweet dreams!

TAGGED!!

Well, as a follow up to my last post :), my friend Chantelle tagged me with these "getting to know you" questions.... 


Here goes :).....


1. What is your favorite memory of your childhood years?
Oh my. Must I pick just one :)? I grew up on a grain farm, in rural Manitoba, with two spunky sisters and a fun kid bro. We got into a lot of mischief, mostly innocent really, and I thank my dear sisters (who are among my closest friends) for teasing me out of my fairly reserved character. They made my growing up that much more fun!!! These days, Little M is asking all about "when you made mischief, mommy..." and I tell her tales of coloring Uncle Mark's hair pink with Kool-aid, getting stuck in mud puddles, having my very own room for the first time (only to share "camp outs"on the floor, with my sisters!!), climbing everything possible (except that I am afraid of heights, which is interesting when you get UP but can't get DOWN!!), and on. We swam in the pond on hot summer days, were always "building" or "crafting" something or other. We went biking all over the country side. We tried sleeping on the roof. In October. I got too cold and chickened out :). We camped all over the yard. Stayed a lot with my Grandma G when my parents were harvesting. We went fishing. And traveling across the United States of America every spring in the Family Mini Van. Life was never dull. And if it was, and you got caught complaining, there were rows of evergreens to hoe, lawns to be mowed, bathrooms to be cleaned and rooms to be dusted!!!

2. What did you want to be when you grew up?
That varied depending on what mood I was in :). As the Big Sister, I was also pretty bossy!! So, for a while I thought I had a calling to teach ;) - not that teachers are bossy (not at all!), but I always played the part of a teacher, and thought it was my destiny.... turns out my calling is NOT teaching :) at all. Because I played piano from a very early age and managed to go quite far, everyone always assumed I'd teach piano lessons one day. Very early I knew this was not my passion, though I enjoy playing and learning piano, but I strongly suspected I would never teach.
I went through a phase where I wanted to be single, sophisticated and carry a brief case. But that went with uncomfortable dress suits and high heels (never a strong point for me!) so that dream came and went. Quickly.
At one point I did want to be a singer. I am NOT a singer either :).


Really, each phase of "what I wanted to be when I grew up" was about helping me define who I was, who I was not, and to dust off the expectations of others and discover the authentic me. I have started a masters degree in counseling, but am not sure if this is where God is calling me to invest my time, energy, finances and my service for Him. That process of discernment will take place over the next few years (with this limited amount of sleep, there's no WAY I'm wasting money on classes I'll never be able to remember!!!!).


3. If you had an evening to yourself with no expectations placed on you, what would you do?
I would probably need two or three evenings, in a row :) --- because the first evening I would rattle around trying to detox from running around all the time!!
 - I'd sit in a quaint coffee shop/book store, with a book -- preferably something funny that would make me burst out laughing from time to time :)
 - I'd watch copious amounts of home improvement shows OR, even better, CRIME DRAMA. I am a sucker for a good episode of Law & Order. I'd make popcorn, twice if I could, drink a special Irish Bailey's on ice, cozy up under my favorite afghan, and ohhhhh enjoy an uninterrupted moment :)!
 - I'd hang out with a friend, again at a cozy coffee shop
 - I'd go shopping. All day :). And not feel guilty about spending money. ;)
 - I'd S.L.E.E.P. Then go for a massage, and then come home and sleep S.O.M.E. M.O.R.E.


Okay. I'd better stop. I probably won't get an evening like this for a while and this is making me antsy!!!


4. What would you like to learn to do sometime in this life?
 - Play the violin.
 - Build something. Properly. 
 - Bake buns the way my MOM does :)


5. Last book you read? Favorite book?
Last book: Water For Elephants


Favorite book: There are literally too many to name. Usually when I am reading a book that is speaking to me on several different levels - spiritually, intellectually, creatively, etc. - and changes my perspective on life --- that becomes my favorite book for the next while :). Not sure what the last one was, since my memory is fuzzy these days!!!
6. Would people describe you as a "girly-girl" or more of a "tom-boy"?
Well, I'm not a "tom boy," but certainly not "girly" either. I am "low maintenance." Sort of!

7. Favorite beverage?
Coffee. coffee. coffee. coffee.
8. Childhood nickname? Current nickname?
I'm not sure if I have a nickname right now. I have one for myself (that's kinda strange!). When I do something REALLY intelligent (I'm being sarcastic here!), I say "way to go, Gerbrant." That's my maiden name. Not sure why I started, but it's kinda stuck.


My dad started calling me Peaches in Grade 8 as a joke in Sunday School. It stuck too :).


Wow. That's a lot about me. Now, apparently I get to tag a few more people with my own questions...
     My sweet neighbor, Ruth
     A friend from one street over :), Svea
     We giggled through college classes together, as GROWN UPS!!! Josie
    


1. What has been a life defining moment?
2. Who has totally impacted you and why?
3. Are you more about sunrises or sunsets :)?
4. What's your favorite way to relax?
5. What's one area of struggle where you've experienced victory?
6. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal or special blanky :)?
7. If you could vacation anywhere, where would it be?
8. What is one of your favorite recipes?

On Becoming Known...

There's nothing like a really great inside joke to bond a great relationship!


Nothing says, "I know you - You know me" like that shared, insider detail that can only be swapped by true pals. A tidbit of information forged out of shared stories, laughter, tears, countless hours of hashing through life's little (and big) issues, listening, learning --- and allowing oneself to become known. 


The process of discovery is a genuine gift; true camaraderie is rare and priceless.


I have thought of this often in the past few months, as I have been getting to know this new little light in our lives. A gem, she is, full of gorgeous smiles and grace that fits with her name. Few things thrill me more than discovering a connection with my child, responding to each one in a way that is meaningful for where we BOTH are at! Or finding a way to bring a smile to their daddy's face :). Or discovering that though I may not have spoken with a friend for some time, it is like no time has passed at all and we're giggling at all the same delightful things all over again.

These words from 1 Corinthians 13 have caught my heart's attention as I've hustled and bustled around the house, chasing kids, tidying toys and squirting the dog with a water pistol so that he learns to STOP EXCESSIVE BARKING!!! Life is never dull :).


Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 


The fact that I am fully known by a Savior who loves me takes my breath away. 
Even more astounding, however, is the invitation to get to know His Heart as well!!
He longs to share His world with mine when I sit and listen.
Amazing.


There is beauty in discovering someone.
And there is grace in becoming known.
And what a precious journey it is.

Bitter sweet

Across the street, the neighbors mature trees are about to burst forth into their spectacular fall foliage. In a few short weeks our own fall-gold ash will turn a brilliant shade of gold. Such a treat! In truth, my whole sun-soaked summer (which I do not want to waste a single minute of though!!) is spent in anticipation of this time of year.

This autumn, however, is bitter-sweet.

This morning Little M joined the ranks of millions of children across North America and headed off to kindergarten.
For the very. first. time.

All summer long my heart has begged time to slow a little.
Well, except for that dreadful week that we had to tackle tantrums, horrendous nights and ultimate sass-fests all in one delightful stretch of 7 days!! That week I was ready to resign and head to the hills for some PAQ!! 

I'm not ready for this.

  

As a SAHM, I feel like until now, I've had front row, centre stage privileges; watching the drama unfold as she grew, explored, played, fought, cried, laughed, learned. I've applauded with standing ovations, held my breath through the tense moments and cried a bit now and then too :) Now, however, I begin to share that remarkable saga with an audience full of other people. Teachers, friends, parents, and many others --- and suddenly I am no longer in the front row all the time (but maybe at least some of the time :P).

She's ready for the adventure of a lifetime. And I'm ready to embrace it alongside of her.

In preparation for the Big Day, we baked fresh buns together so that she could have them in her lunch kit (her request ;p). We painted toe nails, carefully selected outfits, labeled school supplies and laughed and teased and frolicked along the way. It was great. Often though I stood back, tears at the ready, trying to soak it all in.

Today I look around the quiet house in wonder.
Who will line up the plastic dinosaurs so that they can all see out the windows?
Who will talk my ears off :)?
Who will pull out ALL the toys before 9am!?
Who will stand up on the picnic table on the deck, pretending it's a stage, arms stretched wide open singing praises to Jesus? Certainly won't be me! Flimsy little table probably couldn't hold my weight anyway :)!!! Plus, I'm a bit reserved that way, unfortunately!!!


Sweet K and I are feeling a little lost, I think. We blink at each other a lot :). It's good, giving her my one-on-one attention when Wee One is down for her nap. And I feel more good great things on the horizon.

But today is the first day of change.
And it's bitter sweet.

Life, Interrupted

I find it pretty hard to cope pleasantly with interruptions. Whether I'm trying to finish a task, a full thought or a complete sentence, taking interruptions in stride does not come easily.

And lately I've been reflecting on the art of being available; not only willing, but immediately obedient, when the LORD interrupts my carefully laid daily plans and invites me to invest a moment in His kingdom. Perhaps it was a phone call I wasn't expecting, a visit that causes me to set aside my outdoor work (yeah THAT'S why I have a garden full of weeds instead of flowers ;)...) or muffins I hadn't intended to bake, or playing for a few moments on the floor when I have mountains of other things that need to get done.

As I am teaching my children the importance of handling interruptions properly, I myself am being taught. And isn't that they way it should be!? After all, we can only really teach the things we ourselves are in the process of learning.


Usually I give my kiddos the "5-minute warning" before we have to transition to the next activity. Generally this works very well. As humbling as it is, I think the LORD uses this gentle tactic on my heart as well. Only His nudges sometimes occur weeks or even months in advance of the actual change. I can feel it stirring in my heart. A restlessness. A knowing that a step (or even a great big gigantic LEAP!) of faith will be required. An invitation on the horizon.

Leah, the Voice whispers, this is a relationship that will require some attention.
Or Daughter, again that gentle nudge, this is an area of character that needs refinement.

I felt sad this week. One of our neighbors from down the street will have moved out by the end of the month. Though I am thrilled with who will be moving in, I am still sad. See, I received many Divine Invitations to reach out. To get to know my neighbor. To allow our kids to play and hear what was going on in her heart.

And indeed we met once or twice, and tried to get together even a few times after that, but it after a while just became easier to let it slide.
And now she will be gone.
And I missed the chance to embrace another and accept a divine opportunity.

All because I was too busy keeping my life tidy and my home organized and things under control.
I long to be more readily available, to be attuned to these heavenly challenges, more ... interruptible.

Even as I've been writing this post, I have had the opportunity to practice "interruptions."
Seems I have a long, long way to go ;).

But perhaps, with a bit a lot of practice, I can reflect Isaiah's sentiments...
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Connected

I have found, with each of the three babies we've been blessed with, that the hardest part about the transition phase (and it IS a phase, I keep telling myself!!!) is not the sleep-deprived nights (although those are pretty harsh!) nor the constant stream of interruptions (though I have had to learn how to cope better with that --- not a personal strength :P) nor the fact that you are essentially on duty 24/7.

Nope. The hardest part for me has been learning how to stay connected with God, myself, and others throughout the journey.

It's not that there aren't pockets of time available, because there are. But for availability and energy to happen at the same time --- well, it's a miracle indeed!

This summer it has been particularly challenging to stay connected with Little M. Babe requires a lot of attention, time and energy. Our rhythm of life is in upheaval and so the times we normally took to connect were no longer consistent. And, with hero dad being around all summer long, she followed him like a shadow --- which gave me a nice break, but also meant that we spent even less time in each other's presence.

Not good.
Makes parenting and training and disciplining even more challenging.
And I missed her :).

I knew I needed to get a bit creative in how we were going to share time together. As I uttered a short, but whole-heartedly sincere, prayer about this, an idea came to mind....

Grandma's tea set.

Back in spring, the gals & I had ourselves a little adventure, and headed west (all of 2 hours!) to pick up my mom and go visit my grandparents. In their mid-80's, time with them is getting shorter and shorter. We needed time together. My dear grandma, my cool grandma who drove a thunder bird and let me hang my arm out the window while we drove around town; my sweet grandma who entertained us with stories of mischief and childhood tales; my spunky grandma who laughs and laughs and laughs... gave us a little china tea set. It was time we put it to good use!

Our tea parties are brief. Iced tea and crackers or cookies are our dining fare. We sit quietly munching (I prefer to let M lead the conversations to avoid peppering her with questions and to see what she'll come up with!) or lightly chatting. Little M is THRILLED when she gets to pour the little tea pot (an MCC bargain!) and when she insists we do things, like eat our cookie, at the same time.

Our locations are random. On the deck, outside in the grass, on the living room floor --- it doesn't matter where. It is a 15-minute glimpse of heaven and it is wonderful :).

The best part is, Little M has my undivided attention for a short little while. 

And I have hers. 

And that time will run out faster than I can blink.

And in the mean time, we practice connection and enjoy conversation.

At least I know she's listening :)

Sweet babe had spent an hour wailing away.
Missed her nap time by a country mile and now it was melt-down city!
In the midst of this, Little M and Sweet K have YET ANOTHER kurfuffle...
and suddenly my left eye starts twitching again...
and I can feel my temper rising (which had remained surprisingly calm all day long ;P)...
and BO-ING! Uh oh. Here comes mama bear and she is GROWLY!!

"GIRLS. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. IT'S HARD ENOUGH LISTENING TO YOUR SISTER WAILING AWAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HEAR YOU TWO SQUABBLING AT THE SAME TIME. SO JUST Q.U.I.T. I.T. ALREADY!!!!"

Silence. Blink. Blink. Blink.
Okay then. I'll just go sit back down and keep rocking the still-wailing baby.

Once Babe had settled and calm reigned again, I knew I needed to apologize.

Me: "Sorry honey, for yelling. That was not kind, and I am sorry."

Little M: "Thank you. Yelling is just not appropriate."

Sometimes you wonder if they actually hear the things you say, but apparently she is listening!! :)