My Littlest BoBo

Seems like each of my kids has a plethora of nicknames!! Each one seems to resonate with an aspect of who they are and have stuck.

Don't worry, I often call them by their given names too, and not just when they are in trouble!!

Somehow, Wee One got the nickname BoBo. I think Little M got it started with, "HEY THERE, BoBo." And we've been using it ever since!

It's hard to imagine that my Littlest BoBo is over seven months old already. Maybe it's because she's so active, and maybe it's because our journey with Sweet K has taught me to deeply appreciate every little milestone, but she seems to be moving through these stages very quickly! Just this week she figured out that if life is boring while sitting down, you scooch to your tummy and start to squirm. We are just around the bend from crawling. YIKES!!

She's an adorable little gem. She's highly opinionated and quick to offer her perspective.
What a joy.

When I look at her, I often think of what I would have missed if fear had ruled our desire to have another child. After Sweet K, it would've been easy to take the safer route, not open oneself up to change and chance once again. However, experience has taught me that if I based my decision on fear, there would always be a part of me that was not at rest. The part that wanted to get to know and raise and nuture one more baby. The part that desires the best out of this life, and sometimes, though not every time, that involves taking a risk. This felt like a pretty big risk :)!!

At this time last year, we were waiting for test results, waiting for doctors and specialists once again. Our initial ultrasound detected an issue with the baby. My first phone call with the genetist office (the same doctor we have for Kezia) consisted of outlining the possibilities. Cystic Fibrosis. Spina Bifida. Downs Syndrome.

Oh MAN. I took a deeeep breath. I cried a bit. Some days a bit more :). I prayed.
Where would this adventure take us!!?

At a follow-up fetal assessment, we were reassured that everything looked fine. Head circumference was normal and the initial detection was a false alarm.

As a special gift, our technician asked if we wanted to see 3-D images of our baby!
Suddenly there she was!!! Snug and safe and cozy as can be.
(Only we didn't know it was a "she" at the time!!)
An extra blessing was just around the corner - the technician PRINTED OFF these beautiful photos and gave them to us! Just for fun.
God knew what I needed, when I needed it. I am so grateful!!

There've been times when I've backed away from a blessing because I was too afraid to embrace it. What have I missed out on? I'll never know. But I know there is grace to start again. And grace to teach me the importance of pressing through the fear to making the clearest decision as possible. That doesn't mean it'll all turn out quite the way I want it, but then I know deep down I've moved forward in faith, not fear, and that brings peace.

Every day I look at this baby and I am reminded of this truth.
So far she's been healthy, happy (most of the time now, though she started off as a very passionate cryer!!!) and sweet as can be.
My littlest BoBo is a gift, for sure!!

The Waiting Game

The other night, a mini miracle happened :).


Does such thing really exist!? A "mini" miracle :)? Are not all miracles grand just by their very nature :)?


I was tucking the girls into bed at the end of a l.o.n.g. day. Rough. The only thing bigger than Mt. Everest was my massive headache!!!


However, it is in these exact moments that the most precious things occur.


As I turned to leave the girls bedroom, I look and see Sweet K blowing me kisses from beneath her quilts.
My eyes filled with tears. My mother-heart soared.


You see, typically these milestones come at 15-18 months. I have had to wait a lot longer than that this time around! Sweet K is already 31 months old, and has just now decided to start imitating us in this way. For anyone who has walked the journey of development issues, you know what a celebration this can be! Milestones that are so often overlooked are savored; sweet moments like this almost erase the waiting.


Almost.


The more times I see the world revolve around sun, the more I realize that waiting is h.a.r.d. w.o.r.k. It can be very painful. And isolating. It is among life's toughest lessons, like learning to forgive and learning how to fully live. The weight of waiting can weary the soul, can sap your joy and strength and can distract you from the amazing blessings of life.


Just ask the person who is waiting for blood test results.
Or the person who is longing for health and wholeness.
Or the one seeking emotional healing after an experience with trauma.
Or the lover waiting for a reconciliation that may never come.


We learn to function under the burden, but my growing longing has been to live faith-fully, rather than fear-fully, in life's waiting room. To remain open. Hopeful. Honest. Teachable. 


"The Mother of expectation is patience." Henri Nouwen writes. "Jesus changes our history from a random series of sad incidents and accidents into a constant opportunity for a change of heart. To wait patiently therefore means to allow our weeping and wailing to become the purifying preparation by which we are made ready to receive the joy which is promised to us." - Out of Solitude, Henri Nouwen


A joy that is grounded in Jesus.


Practicing such waiting is really hard work! Some days I'd rather do 200 sit-ups in a row (which seems to me to be very hard work ;P) then learn how to wait well. It means that I need to address and surrender anxiety. It means training my mind not to expect the worst, but to hope for the best (and holding that in tension with the understanding that God's "best" is not what I would always think is "best" :)...). It means learning to live fully in the present, so that I can be reconciled to the past and ready to embrace the future. It means a l.o.t. of prayer! Often. 


But such work is good. Because in it, I encounter God. And learn to lean on his promise.

Do you not know? 

Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God, 

   the Creator of the ends of the earth. 

  

He will not grow tired or weary, 

      and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary 

       and increases the power of the weak.

 Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD 

will renew their strength. 

They will soar on wings like eagles; 

they will run and not grow weary, 

they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

"Whereas patience is the mother of expectation, it is expectation itself that brings new joy."

~ Henri Nouwen ~

A New Do...

Cutting my hair - like chopping it off in a drastic way!! - is something I've been wanting to do for a long, long time. But, somehow, the appointment time would come ... and go ... and I'd have lost the nerve. Maybe I just wasn't ready. Maybe I didn't want the hassle of learning how to do a different "do." Yeah, maybe.

The truth of the matter is, I didn't have the courage to do it. I was always secretly hoping someone would step in and convince me to do it - to be the courage for me!

However, over time, it has become increasingly clear that only - I - can have the courage for me. Other people can encourage me (and they do!!) and other people can plant ideas (and they do!!) but only I can truly step beyond the desire for approval, the habit of waiting for life to happen, and choose to live as fully as possible; anything less is a half-lived life.

So, it seemed fitting for me to tackle something courageous by celebrating something courageous. I decided to save my two ponies and donate them to an organization that creates wigs for those who find themselves fighting for life in chemotherapy. One small step of "bravery" on my part; seeking to honor those who walk in bravery every day.

And there you have it! My act of courage for the month :). We'll see what October brings!!