What Lent has taught me....

Over the past number of years, I have experimented with different ways of observing the season of Lent. I have abstained from certain things (for example, one year I left face book, never to really ever return ;P) or engaged in certain things (one year I chose to meditate on a portion of scripture that became increasingly meaningful to me: "Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." Matthew 11:29, The Message. Taking 40 days to prepare my heart to celebrate the miracle of Easter (formally, I suppose, since in some ways we celebrate RESURRECTION and NEW LIFE every day!) truly deepens the lessons and story and reality for me.


This year, consistency has not been my strong point. I am learning to find the grace to accept doing whatever I can, the best I can, when I can. It is not an easy lesson. I am learning that my half-hearted attempts are not enough; nor is getting bogged down in going through the motions just to put a check mark on the list. 


I started off Lent with the desire to carry a cross henna-tattooed to my wrist. A constant reminder. HOWEVER, as I quickly discovered, I was having to re-apply the henna frequently - like every couple of days - and soon I decided that this was not the season for me right now. 
Part of me felt ashamed - like I had not fulfilled a promise I'd made. 
Part of me thought "realistically" - maybe you should research this a bit more to see if there are ways to apply henna so it lasts longer.
Part of me looked at the whole scenario - and thought about how aptly it can resemble my spiritual journey - good ideas and meaningful activities come along, yes; thought through entirely, maybe not; desires that dwindle after the effort of work begins. Hmmmm.....


"Well ... you've got kids ... and time is scarce and all...." Yes. We have three beautiful little girls. And, Yes. They do require time, and it's true that we don't get anywhere in a hurry (except we DO get in a dither if we hurry and that's no fun at all!!). But there is still time here and there for things that matter. No, the assault has been on energy and attentiveness, a consequence of a very intense sinus cold that has left me (all of us, actually) staggering some days, and fatigue as sleep issues have surfaced again and again. And again.

And, maybe you can relate. (And if you can't, consider yourself ... blessed ;P.) The internet, and the whole blogging sphere in all its fabulous wonder and glory, can fill your head with so many good ideas and things you want to do and try and even self-induced pressure from seeing what others can "get accomplished" in their own homes - for me, if I succumb to the temptation to compare, it can become messy. Those are all good things (well not ALL things on the internet are good, obviously, but those are not the things I am talking about here!!) and I truly celebrate those who are crafty and artsy and fabulous in ways that I can only dream of being :). But if I am not careful, my dream-of-doing-this list soon becomes longer than my things-that-need-to-get-done-in-order-to-maintain-order list :) and I feel overwhelmed. Silly, I know.

In retrospect, Lent has taught me a few crucial lessons:
1. Keep it simple. The message of the cross is not complicated - it is profoundly simple, though staggering in its reality: "For God so loved the world that he gave us his only Son, that whoever would believe in him would not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16. Live it, breathe it, seek it every day.


2. Keep it present. There is a season for deeper reflection, and a time to just go with it. When we come with a willing heart, God is ready and able to meet us right where we are. "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20, 21.

3. Keep it real. I stumble, I fall. I get impatient, I get grumbly, I overlook (or outright ignore) opportunities to serve my Heavenly Father. I commit to a henna tattoo for 40 days and I don't follow through. And yet, there is grace to begin anew, for which I am thankful. "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord." Acts 3:19.


With this in mind, I embrace the celebration of Easter.

Life Song

The Prologue...
We are at 38+ weeks and countin' the days! In just a few short days/weeks/hours??? :), this little one will begin to walk out their life story. We'll turn the page and begin Chapter One. What kind of adventures will he/she have? What kinds of choices will he/she make? Falls and failures, victories and conquests? Love? Heartaches? Joy? Abundant  Life?

What kind of life song will he/she create?


It is unbelievably thrilling and terrifying at the same time!!!


As I worked toward my undergrad degree, a wise professor always encouraged us students to read the prologue and forward of the books we were studying. It is there that we get a glimpse of the passion of the author, an introduction of what to look forward to, what to prepare our learning eyes and ears for. Wise advice. I've picked up this habit and have been remarkably surprised at the information one can glean from the prologue.

This season of expectation has written that prologue. As we have waited and wondered, wrestled and worshipped, the experiences have not only continued to shape my view of life and parenthood, but also given me a glimpse of the Eternal Author.

And it is a good time to stop and remember. One stress-filled day, when life was rapidly falling apart and I held a tiny, sweet K in my arms, I vividly recall panicking about her life story. What challenges and difficulties would she experience? It all felt so uncertain.
In the midst of the fog and fear, I felt the reassurance of One who walks with us in all these things.

You cannot create her story for her. To do so would deprive her of the dignity that I have given, rob her of the chance to live and love. It is an honor and privilege to be so intimately involved in someone's life story, but it is not yours to write.
As parents, we are called to train, influence, teach, nurture, mold, protect these little people for the time that we are given. An ultimate act (and test!!!) of responsibility!! Yet we are not to control, dominate, or direct their life story.

As the prologue here blends into Chapter One (and I wonder what THAT title will be!!! The Arrival.... might be a good place to start ;)...) it is with healthy anticipation and some reasonable fear and trembling that we turn this page!!

...the Epilogue...

This spring, death visited our family. Some individuals had lived out many many days and were ready to go Home. For others, it seemed life was over before it had even begun. As I witnessed the emotions and reactions to these events, one thing I began to reflect on was the power of Legacy. What kind of life story am I leaving behind?

You do not have to live a long, full life in order to impact the lives of those you love (and who love you). Ask any woman who has miscarried, and she will tell you the date, time, location, of when she had to say goodbye before she was ready; how her life was forever imprinted by someone she never had the honor of meeting.

The way we touch the hearts of those around us is what gives meaning to life, purpose in pain, strength and joy for the journey.


It was around this time that I had an interesting challenge through my bible study one morning. The invitation was to reflect on the previous week and start making notes on the ways I perceived the ways in which I have influenced others. Oi. Veh. Well, these days, thinking back over a week is a bit of a stretch :) so I limited myself to the past few days. I made a list of all the interactions I'd had. I noted themes of the conversations, and the ways in which each of us seemed to influence each other. Whoa!! What an eye-opener!! It was overwhelming in some ways ---

It reminded me of Proverbs 25:11...

A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

What kind of influence am I passing on? What kind of legacy will I create?

I think these are tough, but essential, questions to ponder as I interact with my sweet family, my loved ones, my friends and my neighbors.

... and all the days in between!!

These past weeks have been good. Well, they've had their share of hiccups :) --- I seem to be battling through another season of "confused parenting" :), intense fatigue as one week I averaged 3-4 hours of sleep per night (and not in a row either --- which is NOT ENOUGH when I'm not pregnant, and CERTAINLY not enough when I am 8 months along!!!), and I'm having to face some issues I have with, ahem, control :) and so on --- but I've started out my days with a new plea, a new prayer...
"LORD please provide the integrity today for me to live well, to love well."


Integrity - the quality of character you possess when no one is looking.


Funny.
It's in the little things that matter.... and the big things that don't.
It's in the battles you choose to fight... and the ones you choose to set aside for better timing.
It's in the acceptance, the gratitude, in taking the time to laugh.
It's not stressing about what gets done or not, but tackling things one thing at a time and keeping it in perspective.
It's gardening without gloves in spite of the presence of worms (eeeeewww!)...
It's setting aside time to listen ... and participating in that that vulnerability by sharing secrets of your own.
It's in gathering the flowers to enjoy inside every day, planting a garden just to watch it grow.
About reasonable expectations --- and anticipating good things --- and letting go.
It's admitting when I've failed. (Unfortunately, I have a lot of opportunity to practice that one ;P...)

This simple prayer has profoundly impacted my perspective. I am grateful. For I have much to learn.

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

~ Casting Crowns ~

The Road To Easter Sunday...

Over the past few years, one faith tradition that has been regaining meaning and value for me is the season of Lent. A couple of years ago, we had the opportunity to spend time in Florida in springtime, and ended up celebrating Easter Sunday there. We attended a small church in a classroom in a school where every one knew every one and it was really quite fun :). However, there was no special joy, no distinct gratitude in me regarding the Easter festival, and I examined these feelings of hollow shallowness.
How can I honor so little the One who has given such a great grace?
How can my gratitude be so thin toward the LORD who continues to save, redeem, heal me?
How can I move towards "thank you"?


Each year that goes by, I "experiment" with Lent, refraining from certain activities, engaging in others. And each year I learn more than my heart can handle, more than I can pour out in my journal, more than I can ever give back. And come Easter morning, I find myself more ready to step out in thanksgiving and grace. What once seemed like an empty, dismal practice has flourished into a teachable tradition.

This year, my focus is drawn to the sin of complacency; finding myself too content to care. Too busy, too distracted, to focused on other (usually important!!) things or people, too divided. Things get ugly sometimes :), but the wrestle is worth it, as I search out issues of compassion, justice, care-filled responses to life's difficulties, the desire to live faith-filled.

And as I repent and lament, I remember that all we do is birthed out of a context of His great love. A few weeks ago, when the girlies were engaged in their valentines craft, I decided to do one of my own. It is a symbol to me for this Lent - no matter what service we offer, sins we confess, repentances and reconciliations are made, all is done within the context of how He has already loved us. It is astounding and humbling, as we move toward the cross and resurrection with faith and awe, rather than with shame and guilt and fear. It is a journey that invites me to die a thousand deaths to self, but in doing so, reveals abundant Life!

Insurmountable...

This is the delightful snow hill that is piling up outside our front window. As you can see, there is a well-worn path leading from the bottom to the top. For Little M, at the oh-so-old age of four (sometimes it feels like fourteen!!), this is actually the first winter that she's enjoyed being outside. She has discovered the joy of hill-climbing and could do it for long periods of time (if her mama had the patience to stay out in the cold ;)...).

What was more surprising to me, however, was that Sweet K wanted to trek up there after her sister!! Normally she assesses challenges and finds many too overwhelming to tackle. However, this time, I could sense that with a little prompting from mama, she'd follow in Big Sister's footsteps. I was thrilled and up we went :).

It was a bit of a process, but with a little encouragement and support, her confidence grew with every step. And before we knew it, we were queens at the top of our castle :). And what a view ;). Hey, on these flat prairie-lands, even a mole-hill offers quite the panorama :).

As I watched my girlies play, it reminded me that there is nothing that is truly insurmountable when you have someone who believes in you, who'll walk with you that extra mile, who'll greet you with arms wide open, and with faith in the One who has already carved out the path.

You have made known to me the path of life; 

 you will fill me with joy in your presence,
 with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:11

Work

Sometimes (all the time? any time? every time :)?) I think the most important work we can engage in is not 

loving...

parenting...

creating...

giving...

doing...

it is simply discovering God in the moment

you find yourself in.

Sometimes it's hard

because there is so much that 

clamors 

for attention.

Demands.

Responsibilities.

Fears.

Insecurities.

Uncertainties.

Noise.

Entertainment.
Guilt.
Shame.

"Be still, and know that I am God;

       I will be exalted among the nations,

       I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

This is the work of worship.

And it is beautiful.

Image link

Vision 2010

Ahhhh. It's January. It's gently snowing outside, I am enjoying a hot cup of peach tea, and I can feel the last of the lingering tensions from the hectic holiday pace simply melt away. Life is good.

Periodically throughout the year, I stop, reflect and take stock of where I've been going and where I feel things are headed. Typically, this happens after busy seasons. Summer. December. Even after April, when I was working full time and going to school part time and the end of the semester was a full time. This fall I read a really good novel, Becoming Olivia, and I loved how the main character journeyed through her process of life-discovery, the often-turbulent pathway of finding out who you are, what you believe and who you are meant to be. The process of becoming. These little "time outs" for me are a way of evaluating - Who am I becoming? What is life becoming? Am I okay with all this :)? What needs.... tweaking :P?

This year, I used the same resource I stumbled on last year through a blog I visit occasionally. For me, Vision 2010 helps to sort through some of the thoughts, ambitions, strengths and weaknesses and focus a little more on where I want to go. I love that it is more well-rounded, challenging several areas of life, not just the typical "new years resolutions" categories :). I don't feel the need to fill in "all the blanks" - sheesh, this isn't some crazy home work assignment :P - but jot things down for the prompts that stand out to me. Each month or two I revisit these ramblings and evaluate what is working, what is not, and what I've completely and utterly neglected (or procrastinated :P).

Here are a few aspirations I have for the coming year....

1. Haven Days :). This fall, the activities on the calendar seemed to outgrow the number of spaces available.  I kept thinking, "It'll slow down. It's just this week. We can do it." But it didn't slow down. And though we could "do it," we weren't always "happy about it" :). And suddenly I didn't have as much time (or energy) for the things that matter. Towards the end of the Christmas break, I realized that I would need to make an intentional change about this. A slowed down (reasonably sanely paced) life is not just going to "happen." It requires intentionality. And so, with some careful thought, I decided to set aside Mondays as "Haven Days." Unless medical appointments require it, those days are our days at home. To recover from the weekend. To get our bearings straight for the week to come. To nest and snuggle together with stories and linger in our jammies and not have to "be" anywhere for anyone. At first glance this simply requires some strategic planning (do not plan things on Mondays!) and an active use of the little word "NO." :) However, it has also required me to give up meeting with a moms group that I have attended for four years! Which I've really enjoyed. Which I've been involved with in a leadership aspect until this fall. Which my kids also really enjoy. As much as I knew I'd miss it, I knew in my heart it was the right decision for where we're at right now. With only five months remaining in this pregnancy, with life changing dramatically once again, with two morning commitments per week for Little M AND at least 5-6 development appointments alone per month with Sweet K, I needed to put time with them first. I am so excited about this. I love to start my mornings quietly whenever possible. Starting my week off the same way fits just about right :).

2. Finishing projects. Not every project that I've ever started (Some are best left alone. Trust me.). But a number of projects that I've started this past year but have yet to complete. I am a procrastinator. I am also the type of person that gets a kick out of starting something, but ack, when it comes to final completions, that pile is a lot smaller :). Since we have the arrival of a wee one on the horizon, there is some ... extra ... motivation for me to get a few things done before the end (or mid!!) of May. Like a few corners that still need paint from the Great Paint Project that consumed several weeks this summer. Or like Sweet K's baby memory album. Or a few final touches I have for around the house. In order to get some of these finished, I FULLY intend on asking my dear mom to come over and watch the kids while I paint out a closet or two, finish the banisters and perhaps tackle some moldings. We'll see how far I get!! Oh yeah. And the fronts of doors :). The baby won't care - but I'll know that I won't have to tackle THAT chore again for years, and some how, in the midst of sleep deprivation and serious transition, I know that will feel good!!

3. Capturing moments. Since Little M became more camera-shy (read I WILL NOT WILLINGLY POSE FOR ANY PICTURE, EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!) I have been less apt to engage my inner shutter-bug. I don't take great pictures. At all. But I like taking them. And I love looking through them. And someday, some of them may even wind up in a scrapbook (ahem, according to #2, I have to FINISH A FEW THINGS before I BEGIN ANOTHER GREAT IDEA!!!). Lately, Little M has allowed me to take her photo, and Sweet K is moving pretty fast (and growing fast too - somehow managed to jump a whole clothing size in 2 months!! Time to clean out the closet AGAIN!!). So, my goals for this year include taking out the camera. Using it. A lot.

4. Live well. Love well. Created to worship the God of the Universe, I long to live this out in a way that glorifies Him. How can I live my life so that I am making the most of every breath He has gifted? How can I love so that He is honored? I don't always live like I should. Too distracted. Too undisciplined. Too self-absorbed. And I definitely don't always love like I should. Too bossy. Too opinionated. Too much with my own personal agenda. There are a few clear steps I want to take with this. Many that feel unclear right now, but I know, over time, will move from mirage to motion. I am ready to embrace and wrestle with the learning.

That's it. In a nutshell :).
Here's to a new month, a new year and a new decade!!
Cheers!!!

Hello 2010!!

Here we are, at the brink of a new decade :). As I look ahead to the coming year, I wonder at the potential it holds. This past year has been about "equilibrium." Finding life's solid ground again and enjoying it very much!! These days, it seems, we've entered a plateau around here. One that it is, for the most part, very refreshing. After climbing several of life's mountains and entering into various valleys over the last decade, a plateau is very much appreciated :). One that I don't take for granted, nor believe is meant to last forever, either. As always, we are journeying on, overcoming new challenges, enjoying new vistas.


This year will see us once again embrace change. We will be adding one more member to our motley crew :), Little M will enter into the school system, Sweet K will likely begin preschool one morning a week, and I will continue to process and transition in the midst of all of this (likely on even less sleep, which should be verrrrry interesting!!!).


But one thing remains: 

Our God is a God of love, and love never fails.

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, 

but have not love, 

I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 

^{2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,} 

^{and if I have a faith that can move mountains,} 

^{but have not love,} 

^{I am nothing.} 

^{3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,} 

^{but have not love,} 

^{I gain nothing.}

 ⁴Love is patient, 

love is kind. 

It does not envy, 

it does not boast, 

it is not proud. 

⁵It is not rude, 

it is not self-seeking, 

it is not easily angered, 

it keeps no record of wrongs. 

⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

⁷It always protects, 

always trusts, 

always hopes, 

always perseveres.

 ⁸Love never fails. 

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; 

where there are tongues, they will be stilled; 

where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 

⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 

¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 

¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, 

I reasoned like a child. 

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 

¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; 

then we shall see face to face. 

Now I know in part; 

then I shall know fully, 

even as I am fully known.

 ¹³And now these three remain: 

faith, 

hope 

and love. 

But the greatest of these is love.

My desire for this year is LIVE WELL, LOVE WELL.
More to come on this, as I reflect on my goals that I set last year and form some for 2010.

Sur-reality

A couple of weeks ago, I had the amazing opportunity to converse with someone who'd also had a much different baby-arrival experience than expected. She shared, and I shared, and it was so good, but hard too, to revisit memories that were so painful and life-changing.

It brought back all the moments that were merely (barely!) survived in the first year of Sweet K's life. Even now, with kids and life and rough nights and activity, it took days to process it all over again. Moments to cry, quiet times of gratitude, soaking in the goodness of the "now". I suspect, every year around this time I will move through this cycle - a time to reflect, recollect and reconcile myself with the upheavals of life.

On the 3rd day of Sweet K's life, our caregiver noticed that her head circumference was measuring small. Not just small. Too small. Immediately we hooked up with a pediatrician, but it was about 10 days before we could meet with him. In that in between time, she was so... normal (I hate to use that word, but for lack of better description...) that we really didn't suspect anything was ... different.

The day of her first doc appointment, the world was as right as rain. It was a gorgeous July day, we were off on a family outing, and we, by God's grace, had no idea of the impending life storm that was about to be unleashed in our lives.

Time is such a funny thing. It can seem to stand still, spin wildly out of control, continue moving all around you - all while you are trying to absorb a single moment. The moment of initial diagnosis; the moment that completely turns your world upside down. The explanation of doctors visits, specialists, tests that would fill our calendar for the next year. Sleep deprived, strained, adjusting to life changes - I went numb, yet felt so much pain, that if it hadn't been for the fact that breathing is a reflexive action, I would've stopped completely.

We came home and "googled" microcephaly for the first time. The results were terrifying. So many possible conditions and life expectations loomed large and loud. Aside from the ocassional spoken word, all I could hear was the sound of the pounding in my ears.

And so, we prayed. From one second to the next, through each appointment, and all the waiting and wondering in between, I talked and cried (and cried and cried) and laughed and simply sat with God. What would He allow? What was coming our way?

Only a few short days after K's initial appointment, she went through xrays to see if her sutures had fused prematurely. All clear. No surgery required for now. This continued periodically until she was 9 months. Everything continued to grow beautifully.

A day or two following, she had an MRI, which was horrifying, but here too, God was present. Placing my newborn into a machine that looked like it would eat us all alive was soooo hard, but God's presence brought comfort in the pain. On our wedding anniversary (July 24) we received the fantastic news that her brain was fully and beautifully developed, just a bit smaller than average. This ruled out several scary diagnoses, and we celebrated long and hard!!!

A visit to the geneticist office. A gracious and encouraging person. A few ideas about diagnosis, but so comforting - yes there may be challenges, but we were spared some of the more intense ones.

A meeting with a neurologist. Again, yes, there were things to keep watching out for, but no signs of specific abnormalities. Unless there are unexpected complications, no need to visit again.

And on and on. And waiting, so. much. waiting. That is the hardest part, I think!! Possibly hip dysplaysia, no. Heart condition, no. Blood tests for a possible condition that is usually accompanied by tumors and cancer. No. We met so many people. The kindest nurses, doctors, (some not!!) and the most amazing conversations emerged.

Bottom line - primary microcpehaly is a condition that affects that size of brain growth. Mild development delays and learning issues are most likely, but not a guarantee. Sweet K is literally one in a 1,000,000. This is a very rare condition, as most kids born with MC go on to have a host of health and development issues. She fits into that (extraordinarily) slim category where there are no further complications.

Given a life "wish book," I'd never had selected this experience to walk through. It was excruciating at best, completely unnerving at worst. But again and again and again, the LORD taught me lessons of surrender, how to wait under His protection, and finding myself opening up again to His love in the hard stuff of life.

I am so grateful. Sweet K is a spunky little peanut who brings such joy. Except, when teething, when she is a terrible sleeper. Any suggestions!!!? I'm really tired of being awake half the night!!! :).

I read a line the other day (and "googled" it but it is lost 'out there' somewhere!!) that goes something like...

Life is composed of memories, not milestones.

So true, so true. And in these ordinary memories of life, we find life abundant.

Ordinary Miracle, Sarah McLachlan

Advocate

I've been wanting to do this post since Thursday, when I received a phone call.

Every time I get a phone call from one of the doctors or therapists that have been involved in our life, my heart still skips a little beat. Mostly the news is good now, which helps so much!!

Recently I received a message from Sweet K's (temporary) Speech & Language Pathologist. I've always gotten the impression that she's a super-nice gal. But Thursday confirmed it!! She'd contacted our region's coordinator, who is responsible for ensuring that our therapy request is properly placed in the queue. Last I'd heard, we were on a two-year waiting list (not good). But she advocated on our behalf. Offering just a wee bit of clarification, we were moved from the two-year list to second on the entire list!!

It reminded me how amazing it feels to experience someone coming alongside, offering that little extra assistance to go the next mile. The unrequested (but very much appreciated!) support that makes the world a much brighter and more manageable place. To know that someone took the time to advocate on Sweet K's behalf blesses me incredibly.

And reminds me. Whenever possible, offer that helping hand. You never know what difference it might make.

Sigh and sigh again :)...

Yesterday I finished the day with a sigh and a deep sense of satisfaction. Isn't that a great way to end the day!? It doesn't always happen, or even as often as I'd like, but I soak it all in when it does.

As I reflected, I wondered - what made this day so g.o.o.d. ? Because, by most standards, it was a common, ordinary, nondescript kinda day.

UnHurried. In the self-induced rush of life, I miss things. Big things. Small things. Like listening to the friend who needs a friend. Or sneaking in that extra giggle with Little M. Or speeding through a conversation with J. Or soaking in the evening quiet. Or or or. Yesterday's chores all got done (and giving the pooch the 'ole shave-a-roo is definitely a chore!!), but they were done at a pace that left room for the good things in life. Dancing. Laughing. Wrestling. Going to the park. Napping. Reading. Writing. Walking in the rain.

UnDemanding. On the weekend, through a sermon, I was reminded (again and again and again) that a) Jesus meets us where we are at and then offers His presence to continue walking the journey and b) we can do the same for others. Lately, I've been trying to figure out how to best meet Little M where she is at. Fighting for independence (oh how many times can I get suckered into an argument with a three-year-old!!?) and yet so dependent. Or how to connect with Sweet K's development questions (it is tricky to find the balance between leading and guiding vs. pushing and shoving - usually the telltale sign is the red flag of f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.o.n.!!). But when we follow Jesus' example, we simply come as we are and allow others to do the same, with the hopes of positive growth, something amazing happens. We have FUN together!!

UnPretentious. Simply being the best ME that I can be. Not based on others expectations. Or desiring to be something or someone that I am not. It is freeing.

The day was perfect. Not flawless, but perfect. And I took great satisfaction in that.

The gift of T.I.M.E.

My head and heart are so full with the gifts I've been given this weekend. And it's only Saturday morning!! With the dark discouragement that settles in with sleep deprivation, this is the perfect timing....

Time. I was given the gift of time.

Through a series of random (or not) events, with circumstances that seemed to be a win-win situation all the way around, my mother-in-law came to care for the girls on short notice - she loved the activity and company, it gave J a few extra hours to finish some work, and I could escape to the city a little earlier than planned. As a SAHM (who loves her vocation, by the way!), unhurried and uninterrupted time is a g.i.f.t. Time to think. Time to browse. Time to sing as loud as I want in the car without any comments from the "peanut gallery." :) Time to pray. This was a glorious gift.

I was also given the gift of time to connect with a long-lost friend. Not that we, ourselves, had an ill-parting, but life and misunderstanding and situations beyond us had led to disconnection. Throughout an emotional conversation, we laughed and cried, and drank copious amounts of tea :P. My heart aches over the journey, and yet as I listen and ponder, I am challenged in my own thoughts and behaviors - why do I choose assumption over connection; criticism and distance over connection and understanding? Is it pride? Fear? Uncertainty? Unawareness? 

These are important questions, and I reflect on them often. Why do I do the things I do - is this the best "me" I can be? Or is there a more loving, spirit-filled, life-giving response to the things I see? 

Bridges of understanding and care are beginning to be built over gaps that once existed. It is a beautiful, challenging, learning thing. And though we grieve over the time lost, I am excited about this present connection, of getting acquainted with each other's children, of sharing this gift of T.I.M.E. For our time, attentively, authentically, humorously, in the moment, is one of the best gifts we can give.

AND - oh yes - another fantastic gift I was given also given -- LOVELY ornamental grass which I simply CANNOT WAIT to add to my front flower bed collection; given by a good friend, from her garden to mine! 

It's only Saturday morning, and the weekend is full of promising possibilities. 

I am blessed indeed.

Totally glad it's Tuesday!

I am convinced that no matter what occupation you are in - astronaut, civil engineer, homemaker - a Monday is a M.O.N.D.A.Y.

See, the sunny optimist in me says that Mondays are for great beginnings, the start of a fresh calendar week (I am a calendar addict, but more about that issue another day!). It's about slow mornings, a lingering cup of coffee, and planning for the week ahead.

Yeah. Right.

Mondays around here are aka Meltdown Mondays. Wow. You'd think we were just getting over the weekend or something! We invited yet another therapist into our world of people that we are getting to know. Little M chose that exact moment to display her wide vocal talents (and her one-word vocabulary - no! No! NOOOO!). And let me tell ya. There's nothing like having a child development professional peering over your shoulder in your own home!! while you are disciplining to make you feel all those lovely inadequacies you inherited the moment you gave birth.

Yeah, can't you feel the glory of it all. 

Which is why I am so glad we have Tuesdays. Some people live for Fridays. Not me. I like Tuesdays. The sunny, bright, lovely day AFTER the day of recovery. Hmmm. I'm finding some life-parallel in there somewhere. The upheaval, the crisis fades, the recovery is past, and the day of new beginnings dawns. I like it.

Ordinary Miracle Today

Child development is a per.snick.ity issue. Nothing like the words "normal" or "delayed" or "slow" or "future unknown" to get this mother hen's feathers (completely, utterly, fantastically!) ruffled.

HOWEVER. I am learning learning learning about the beauty of this journey. Things with Sweet K are moving along quite well, actually, and maybe that makes this so much easier (it does). Yet I have the opportunity to see the miraculous unfolding of learning that most of us take for granted because a) it comes more naturally, b) it comes quicker and c) we're never taught to SEE those incremental - yet just as incredible - building blocks of wonder.

When Sweet K was about 3 months old, I heard Sarah McLachlan's Ordinary Miracle for the first time. It struck such a chord in me. The first time I'd smiled, or hoped, or laughed in months.

In church we will be celebrating Child Dedication (May 24), and I contemplate why I want to participate in this occasion. It is my view that children are a precious gift from God, shared with us for a variety of reasons. And it is my desire to nurture and delight and love and learn alongside, and hold that gift with open hands before the One who created her.

Life's Learning Curve

It's been building for a while, this action-reaction cycle between Little M and myself. It's been exhausting trying to sort out the best way to meet my three-year-old where she is at and teach her the more... ahem... appropriate ways of speaking to others (mainly her mother, who birthed her into this world and was sure we had a good TEN YEARS yet before dealing with some of this stuff!) :).

As I took a step back, I stopped asking myself what do I do NOW!? and started asking...

What is she trying to tell me?

What is causing these power struggles to begin with?

Where is her tender little heart at right now?

The answer became clear - I need to learn, again, to let go and give her room to explore her independence; to offer her choices so she can continue to learn to make good decisions. To stay firm, but calm, and allow some of these things to become opportunities for u.n.d.e.r.s.t.a.n.d.i.n.g.

Letting go. It starts so soon (too soon!!), it seems! But the beautiful thing is - the more safe space I release for her to grow into, the more she blossoms.

A little bit of rest!

In the past while, I've been reflecting on the necessity for rest. 

Not just the sleep-kind - although those naps are perfectly delightful as well! 

But the deep-down soul rest that comes from 

abiding in God 

knowing myself 

and treasuring those around me. 

There is an all-out war for our energy and attention. Diverted and easily exhausted, I am left feeling depleted and discouraged. I get to the end of the day and ask, LORD, was I a wise steward of my energy? Of my hope? Of my affections? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. And so I reflect and rest and try again.

It was only 21 months ago that we started waiting for tests and results and appointments and information. Sleep was rough and rest was almost impossible. However, time and again these words came to mind....

I will lie down and sleep in peace, 

for you alone, 

O LORD, 

make me dwell in safety.

Psalm 4:8

~ Perfect rest ~

Great Expectations!

Yesterday I had the opportunity to share of the story of our lives as lived out in the last 20 months (a super-condensed version!!). The gal's response was so healing, so refreshing - she simply said - "Wow. That went different than you expected!"

I laughed! Yessssss. Yes it did!!

Sweet K's labor was less than an hour long, and consequently she was delivered at home, on the bathroom floor, with a midwife in attendance (she made it for the last 3 minutes - which is cutting it a wee bit close in my opinion, but I've never been so ecstatic to see anyone in my whole life!!). In our drive way sat 2 ambulances, 1 police car and 2 midwife vehicles. Needless to say, on our small town street, it was quite the spectacle!

However, everything went well, and before we knew it the flurry had passed, and we were settling in with our second baby.

On the 3rd day of her life, things went wonky. Her head circumference was measuring small, and our midwife immediately hooked us up with a super-great pediatrician. What followed was a year of tests, many appointments with specialists, some positive feedback, but an unshakeable diagnosis - primary microcephaly - which is a condition that impacts learning. One can expect development delays in the early years and learning disabilities down the line.

But the wisest doctors, in my opinion, never claim to have all the answers. We had many amazing care-givers, who have not only worked with children, but also their parents :). We had some experiences, also, where that was not the case. And I learned much from those people, even if it made hard things harder and I think they could have handled things differently.

Many many dark days and nights followed with all of this. However, with deep pain and intense searching comes some of the most fruitful, live-giving moments because God is present even in  these things.

"Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes." Henri Nouwen, A Spirituality Of Waiting.

Sweet K is doing great great great. There are things here and there that are -- different -- and even small differences can feel like very large differences sometimes. And it is not without work. Learning is always work but for some it is more so than others. 

However, even different expectations can become great expectations!!

ya know what is fun :)...

... watching babies morph from tiny little babies into tiny little people . lately my sweet k has been puttin' on the miles. and it is fun fun fun to watch her go from tentative to daring - 
letting go of the security and walking to me
     across the room
          landing in her sister's arms 
               gracefully nose-diving into her daddy .

she has been more hesitant, for sure. less eager to explore the world around her than her older sister, far more content to watch the world go by and every so often put in her own two cents worth (though she does love the games Tackled By A Baby and Wrestling!).

but her sensitivity and her gentle spirit shine through every day, blessing me and nurturing me.

and reminding me. that it is okay to hang on tightly as long as we need to. there are some seasons in life when we need that extra security, stability, strength.

but, when the time is right, it is very okay to let go and venture out and explore the world.

and that, that is fun.

Celebrations!

Maybe it's that things are starting to feel more "normal" after 17 months of  -- unexpected journeys.
Maybe it's the quietness that settles over the house when children are snug in their beds.
Maybe it's the christmas lights that cast a warm glow throughout a tidied home.
Maybe - just maybe - it's that I'm finding God's gracious peace & long-awaited rest in the midst of it all.

Whatever the case may be, the celebrations continue. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw sweet K approach and conquer stairs for the first time. She looked like she'd been doin' it all her life long. Sweet pea . In the midst of a full-with-good-things kinda day yesterday, I found myself breathing and laughing and visiting like I hadn't done in a long time. We have flights instead of facing a daunting 3-day holiday journey. And little M's 3rd birthday party - complete with her party guest list  - is on Friday, and after facing 3 birthday parties, I dare say my birthday cakes are --- improving. I learn by trial and error . 

And in the midst of all these good celebrations, more than ever I cling to the promise of Advent

"I have come - and will come again." 

 "Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."
Revelation 22:12, 13

So, let the celebrations continue.
And, if you're feelin' particularly sassy , you can always groove with this stunning rendition from Cool & the Gang 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwEMxYggoKQ

A few favorites!

Yoikes. The other day I wandered the local mall, kiddies in tow, starting that insane yearly venture known as Christmas shopping. Wow. Every year the craziness of the frenzy hits me anew, as I watch people frantically grabbing this and that and cringe at ads that promise better futures with better presents. And I wondered as I wandered :)....

However, there are so many fun things about this time of year that make it stand apart - simple indulgences, sweet traditions and yes, even comforting nostalgia. Here are just a few favorites....

 

Recipes - nothing says yummy like a bowl-full of carmel corn WITH peanuts! My first batch (sans peanuts!) did not last very long.  I look forward to more! Give this a  try:  http://www.elise.com/recipes/archives/006139caramel_corn.php

 

 

Crafty things - I love browsing Better Homes and Gardens and Michaels for fun, creative, often inexpensive ideas. Of course, most of it is browsing, and not actually COMPLETING a project, but every so often, I come up with a winner (or a dud, and those get left at the back of the closet!) Just for fun: http://www.bhg.com/holidays/christmas/crafts/handmade-holiday-projects/?sssdmh=dm17.350647&esrc=nwwu24_09&email=859244215

 

 

Soft lights, soft music - for a little online carolling, visit: http://www.accuradio.com/holidays/

 

 

 

 

 

And of course, the retelling of the ancient story. Thank you Jesus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BO5CJbw6Y&feature=related

Gray Day

It's one of those days where you have to go the second round of coffee just to keep it moving until afternoon tea.

I did not intend to start my day somewhere around 1:30am. I also did not intend to have my floors mopped by 8:30am (some accidents in life just necessitate that - thank heavens for carpet cleaners!). I also did not intend to waste a single moment of a precious day feeling discouraged by short comings and frustrated by circumstances.

But sometimes I find myself wrestling with the intentionalities vs. the realities of life. Grappling with

"I wish I could", "I really should", "I want it to be like..."
vs.
the "this is who I am" and "this is where its at".

Some days I find myself stuck in the middle - not okay with the way things are, but not sure the time is right to press forward, either. A day that's neither sunny nor stormy, but cloudy and dreary and not very much fun.

And mopping the floor before breakfast is done is not much fun either .

So, as I press through the Gray Day, I will also choose to recall the precious things that make this messy life so sweet - grace, growth and good friends.

Oh. And that second round of coffee. That was also very helpful!