when e.n.v.y. strikes

I recently clicked on a blog I hadn't read in a long long while.
As I read, I found myself warming to the idea of bookmarking it as a "regular read" again.
Why did I cut it out in the first place?

The posts are too long. I argued to myself. And they are long. And these days, when I don't do a lot of blog reading, I am very particular about which blogs to follow. Shorter posts are easier to digest quickly.

The content is too deep for me. And it's true. Especially in those sleep-deprived seasons, when anything deep and meaningful can make my brain actually physically hurt. I cut out things that just aren't for me in that particular moment of life. Nothing wrong with that, right :)?

But you want to know one reason I found hard to admit??
I. was. envious.

Plain and simple.

She's a {much!} better writer.
She has more freedom in what she chooses to share with the world.
She's more articulate; she writes books.
She's intelligent.
And she's altogether a lovely person.

So there it is. I cut something out of my life, in part, because of envy.
---
A while back, I was sitting there with my little family, not feeling particularly great about myself.
I am fairly certain I had remembered to brush my teeth before dashing out the door.
I think I managed to put on a splash of make-up in the process.
But everything else felt very drab, dowdy, wrinkled-from-the-closet-feeling.
My hair needed a cut.
Clothes felt too tight in all the wrong places :). Which is really a terrible horrible feeling!!
It was a yucky-feeling day.

Which is fine. They happen. They come and go. It's all part of being human.
Until.
Someone sits down next to you. Polished head to toe. All put together.
And I could feel the old wrestle stirring.

You'll never be enough. Lovely enough. Nice enough. Good enough. Worth enough.
ACK.
Awful.
---
I am learning that the only way to fight these times is through prayer and confession.

As I pray, the LORD works a miracle in my heart. Sometimes relief comes quickly; other times it takes a lot of work and perseverance and careful examination of the nature of the envy in the first place. You see, I am discovering that at the root of envy lies the trap of insecurity. So often, when I want what someone else has, it is because that person seems to possess the very security I lack. I used to think, that when I "grew up," I wouldn't wrestle with self-confidence or trust or courage anymore. Because, well, I'd be an "adult," and don't all "adults" have it all together ;)???? Uh. Nope :). Not this one anyway!!!

And when I confess to someone I can trust, I discover the beautiful, bonding reality that I'm not the only one to struggle with this. In fact, the longer I keep it a secret, the more power it gains. The more open and honest I can be, I see the Enemy lies for what they are worth. Nothing.
---
As I struggled in that moment about how I felt about myself, I prayed that even this would not hinder me from communion with the LORD and with others. And into my heart the LORD whispered ... she is free to be beautiful. And it is true. And a huge weight slipped off my shoulders. Her beauty doesn't mean mine is any less. In fact, the more I sincerely encourage beauty in others, the less I am concerned about my own; the more free to worship I become. So THANK YOU all you lovely ladies out there :) - for the more you genuinely let your heart and spirit shine, the more beautiful this world becomes.

And do I go back to read that blog, or any blog that challenges me in such a way :)? Periodically. Really, uninterrupted screen time is limited (which is probably a good thing!), and I pick and choose carefully. But this way, at least it is from freedom, and not from fear!!

Of course, when envy strikes there's always this option :) ..... just be yourself!!!!

What do you do if .... when? .... envy strikes you?