The other day, someone in church asked me how things were going.
It is a casual question, though asked with true sincerity.
I answer honestly.
Life is good.
But, please note, when I say life is good, I don't necessarily mean easy. Or rosy. Or that there are no struggles. Because that simply is not the case.
My imperfections are vast and glaring :).
There are relationships that require work.
There are chores that never seem to get done.
And my baking seldom turns out the way I want it to (which is REALLY irksome and another post for another day!!).
Sometimes it's the little things that bring a person down. We've been fighting a cold around here going on five weeks. The amount of Kleenex we've gone through is phenomenal. Should've bought stocks in the company!! It has morphed from sore throats to sinus infections to red yucky eyes that are not quite pink eye, but look pretty freaky nonetheless!! We've kicked it only it have it surface again. And again. And babies with stuffed sinuses do not enjoy eating or sleeping well (and neither does their mommy!). One night I was awake. Simply awake. Between the sore throat, the coughing fits and just waiting for the next "wake up call," I could not sleep. Needless to say, it's been tiring. There've been things we could not do because we don't want to "spread the love" - people we've not been able to visit, plans we've had to cancel. This doesn't help the cabin fever that is setting in right now --- we are SO ready for spring!!!
Sometimes it is the shock of an unexpected comment. A few weeks ago I was meeting with one of Sweet K's therapists - probably my favorite out of the whole bunch. She's wise, extremely practical and helpful and EVEN helped me with some of my (completely unrelated to our OT session!!) baking questions. I respect her advice and observations.
That is why it took me completely aback when she said to me (we were discussing some long term possibilities and goals at the time) - "I see no reason why K wouldn't thrive really really well in a group home when she is older."
I felt like the wind had been totally knocked out of me.
Group home. Different. An unrequested journey.
Just how different will different be?
Don't panic. I told myself. Stay cool.
Reality is - given what we've been told and the wee bit that we've been able to read - Sweet K will probably have an increasingly hard time learning as she gets older. And, except by miraculous intervention, she will likely require supervised living. We embrace this. We've already started to plan financially for her should this be the case. However, we do not claim to know her future, and leave it open to God. We simply ask Him for His best, and stand in awe as He responds.
So, "good" does not mean easy, without questions or heartache. Those who've wrestled with "different" understand that "different" doesn't have to be very big in order to feel big sometimes.
And other times memories surface that are hard to cope with, and again I find myself back in a moment that is painful, shameful or scary. And I have to resist the urge to react accordingly and instead choose a new way of living. It can be tough and it requires intentionality.
But even in all this, life is still good. It is not good because it is easy or care-free. It is good because God is here. As a wise, dear, lovely friend of mine says, "we gotta just keep turning it all into intercession." She is sweet and she is right ;).
And Light is never more welcome than when it is seen in a dark place.
Sunday morning I was reminded of this little scripture snippet, a gift of words from Paul to Timothy, regarding present struggles... "Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day." 2 Tim. 1:12b.
What have I entrusted to Him? I ask myself.
What do I believe He will guard?
There are many things that come to mind - kids, husband, future, etc. - but really, at the crunch of it ---
My heart. I have the honor of increasingly giving Him my heart.
And I know that He is trustworthy with that.
And that is what makes life good.
We are reading the Chronicles of Narnia series around here. A bit old yet, for Little M, but there are so many classics I haven't read, that I'm starting to read them together with her so that I can!!! And I am drawn to this comment about Aslan: "Of course he is not safe, but He is good."
And because of that, life is good.