Sunday, March 18, 2012

What happens when your heart is pulled in different directions

A number of weeks ago, I had the lovely privilege of hearing someone share about their journey of wrestling with God. This was something in-process, waiting for direction, praying and listening. Though the circumstances were not expected, it was - and is - an opportunity to draw close to the One who was created all things and knows all things.

Although I don't much enjoy the wrestling hot-seat, I found myself almost envious? of the opportunity. Waiting is not fun, and it challenges me immensely. But it is in the waiting and the seeking and relinquishing that the LORD has graciously taught me so much.

Little did I know that our own Waiting Room was just around the corner.

It's not like I hadn't anticipated this. The appointment has been on the calendar for a while. It's just that I had not slowed long enough to think about a number of the implications. Or perhaps I was just avoiding them. Within a week's time, we were reconsidering our present housing arrangement (which included meeting with a contractor to review some potential renovations which just would not really work in the long run), meeting with a variety of support staff at the local elementary school regarding K's entrance into kindergarten next year, and having to take a serious look at what we'll be doing for school for M (she'll be entering grade 2).

Through the thick fog of fatigue, it is hard to keep things in perspective some times. Each one of these things may not seem like a big deal, but the long-lasting ramifications can be.

I'm not sure when Jon first started talking different housing. Perhaps it was one L's bedroom-in-the-living-room had extended longer than we thought. Maybe it was just one of those I-feel-restless conversations that we started to take seriously. Or, likely, it was just the right timing. Though we'd remain in the town where we are, even changing neighborhoods feels like we'd have to resettle all over again. And so begins conversations around excessiveness, desires, finances, stewardship - but also about (extremely important!) things like - neighbors, community, and all the things that make a house a home.

No matter how settled you are in your heart about your children and their abilities, or their challenges, there is just something plain, stinkin' hard about having to review (even strongly emphasize) all the areas in which they struggle in order to receive funding for help. It hurts immensely. As the conversation progressed (and the meeting itself went well, I think), I found myself needing air, needing time to myself to process all the terminology, all the implications, all the differences. I have very little doubt in my mind that enrolling K in public school would be the best way to develop her linguistic abilities. I know many people that have taught their developmentally challenged children at home and had great success. However, at this time, that path does not seem like a right fit (though, of course, if funding should become an issue than that will DEFINITELY be an option!). Especially in these early elementary years, when it is far easier to get support, I think that public school will enhance the path that we are already on.

However, how do you relinquish a way of life that you have fallen in love with? Though there are definite struggles (another post for another day) there are a multitude of blessings. It is not a lifestyle for everyone, and I would've never dreamed it would be for us either, even for just a short time. The educational and life-giving lessons we've learned this past year are invaluable and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
And yet, it was never something we intended to do up till grade three, maybe, but not long term.
And now, M (who'll be entering grade 2 in fall) has already expressed that if K is going to school, she should too. And really, dropping one off at school, just to take the other home, really does feel a bit awkward. I have told her that we will continue to pray about it and won't make any major decisions until she (and we) have peace of heart about it, which has really settled her. God has surprised us before ;) - maybe He will again!!
And so, I wrestle with the high possibility of having to let go of a rhythm of life much sooner than I would've liked.

So .... I wait. I wrestle. I pray. I hope and dream. We discuss preferences and possibilities and the implications of things over which we have influence (maybe) but control? Not necessarily!

And who knows, maybe next year's adventure will include sifting heart and soul and tending to those things that have sat on the back burner for a long time :).


Robin Fehr said...

Yes... although lots to think about and move towards, I am excited to see what God is planning for your lives. No doubt... better than we could ever imagine!

Roo said...



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